I Survived: My Child’s Meltdown and Lived to Tell the Tale

As a family coach, parents reach out to me with personal and family goals. A big part of achieving these goals is figuring out what’s been standing in the way. And, NOT to my surprise, the struggle that comes up the most is meltdowns. Sometimes it’s the kids melting down, and sometimes it’s the parents. As a mom myself, I get it. If parent coaching had been accessible when my girls were younger, their tantrums (and mine) would’ve been the hot topic in every single session.

If there’s one thing my lifetime of experience and research has taught me about children’s behavior, it’s this: meltdowns aren’t random. They’re a child’s way of communicating an unmet need or overwhelm they simply cannot manage on their own yet.

Once we understand why meltdowns happen, we can respond with compassion, tools, and simple strategies to help our kids learn to handle big feelings and help ourselves stay calm in the process.

Here’s a breakdown of common reasons why children have meltdowns and practical strategies to help minimize them:

1. Sensory Overload

Why:

• Loud noises, bright lights, crowded places

• Uncomfortable clothing (tags, tight socks)

• Chaotic environments

  
  

What helps:

• Provide noise-canceling headphones or a quiet corner for breaks

• Let them choose comfortable clothes and remove tags

• Offer sensory play (playdough, kinetic sand, slime) to regulate

• Plan for calm, low-stimulation time after busy environments

2. Emotional Overwhelm

Why:

• Feeling misunderstood or not listened to

• Embarrassment or rejection from peers

• Disappointment from unmet expectations

  
  

What helps:

• Use “I feel” statements to model emotional expression

• Create a feelings chart or journal for daily check-ins

• Offer connection before correction: a hug, a calm tone, and listening

• Help them reframe disappointments gently (“It’s okay to feel sad, let’s try to use kind hinds when we are sad next time.”)

3. Communication Struggles

Why:

• Trouble expressing needs with words

• Frustration when told “no” without understanding why

  
  

What helps:

• Use visual supports (pictures or gestures) for communication

• Practice calm-down scripts together (“I am safe. I can handle this.”)

• Slow down and validate feelings before explaining limits

• Use choices to give them a sense of control (“Do you want to wear the blue or red shirt?”)

4. Control + Seek for Independence

Why:

• Feeling rushed, micromanaged, or bossed around

• Sudden changes in routine

• Not getting much say in anything

• Hearing "no" all day

  
  

What helps:

• Allow age-appropriate choices throughout the day

• Give advance warnings before transitions (“5 more minutes, then we clean up.”)

• Let them practice independence (pouring their own water, helping with simple tasks)

• Create predictable routines with visual schedules

• Pause and think before saying "no"

  
  

5. Unmet Physical Needs

Why:

• Hunger, fatigue, illness

• Needing movement but having to sit still

  
  

What helps:

• Offer regular snacks and hydration

• Prioritize quality sleep with a calming bedtime routine

• Include physical outlets: wall pushes, jumping jacks, dancing, outdoor play

• Monitor for signs of illness that might make regulation harder

6. Neurodivergence (ASD, ADHD, ADD)

Why:

• Transitions, uncertainty, multi-step directions

• Anticipation of stressful events (tests, new environments)

• Anxiety around unwanted tasks or events

  
  

What helps:

• Work with a behavioral health expert

• Use visual schedules to reduce uncertainty

• Break multi-step tasks into one step at a time

• Practice deep breathing (“Smell the flower, blow out the candle”)

• Use weighted blankets or a cozy calm space for regulation

• Encourage movement breaks before transitions or tasks

• Frequent discussions about events coming up, preparing for them emotionally and mentally

7. Mental Health Challenges (Anxiety, Depression, trauma, OCD, ODD, BPD)

Why:

• Fear of rejection and disappointment

• Fear of standing out or judgement

• Low self-esteem

• Feeling pressured to get out of their comfort zone

• Lack of interest and buy in, hence the defiance

• Fear of abandonment/ Unhealthy Attachment

  
  

What helps:

• Observe patterns and consider discussing concerns with mental health professionals

• Use calm-down scripts and reassurance to help them feel safe (“You are safe. We will figure this out together.”).

• Normalize talking about feelings and seeking help when feelings feel too big.

• Offer predictable routines and extra time for transitions to lower daily stress.

• Build coping skills through simple mindfulness, movement, and sensory regulation activities.

• Focus on grounding activities

• Focus on favored tasks that boost confidence

• Work on providing a supportive environment to the child's mental state

8. Unmet Emotional Needs / Need for Connection

Why:

• Not feeling seen, heard, valued, and loved.

• Consistently feel overlooked, misunderstood, or invalidated,

• Feeling disconnected from parents (especially during busy seasons)

• Not feeling supported

• Pressured to conform and "be like others"

  
  

What helps:

• Daily one-on-one connection, even 10–15 minutes of child-led play or conversation.

• Reflect back what you hear, even when you want to reject their request (“I hear you want to_____. It is important for you _____. However _____.”).

• Validate feelings before problem-solving or correcting behavior.

• Use physical connection (hugs, holding hands, sitting close) to help regulate emotions.

• Offer praise and acknowledgment when they express needs calmly (“I love how you told me you were upset with your words.”).

• Create a time, daily, especially for them to share what's on their mind, without lecturing or correcting.

When You Sense a Meltdown Brewing:

MELTDOWNS ARE NOT MISBEHAVIOR; they are signals of unspoken needs. By understanding why they happen, you can respond with empathy and tools that help your child develop lifelong self-regulation skills.

The purpose of this list is not to just find the reason for their meltdown and offer an immediate solution, but to also find the pattern of behavior and work on long-term sustainable solutions by changing how you show up as a parent, consistently, meeting your child's needs BEFORE the meltdown even happens.

You got this! I have faith in you!

Happy Parenting