You Can't Stop Unwanted Behavior!

 Yes, I said it!

Let’s get real. If I had a nickel for every time I heard “How do I make my kid stop hitting / whining / ignoring me / turning into a noodle in Target?”—I could finally afford a vacation home on the Jersey shore.

But here’s the truth bomb that many of your mom friends did not tell you: You can’t just stop a behavior. You have to replace it.

Imagine if someone told you, “Stop scrolling Instagram when you’re stressed.” Okay, great. Now what are you supposed to do with those 37 anxious seconds? Stare at the wall? Bite your nails? have a nervous breakdown?"

Your kid’s brain works the same way. Telling them to not do something isn’t enough—especially if that behavior is meeting a real need. This idea is backed by decades of behavioral science. B.F. Skinner, the granddaddy of operant conditioning, showed that behaviors don’t just disappear into thin air. They fade only when they stop being reinforced—and even better, when a more functional behavior is reinforced instead.

Behavior is communication. It’s strategy. Your toddler isn’t screaming because they like the acoustics of your kitchen; they’re trying to say, “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know what else to do.”

If we only say “Stop yelling,” we leave a void. That empty space will be filled, usually with something equally chaotic, like, hitting, or throwing things. So what do we do instead?

The brain needs a Plan B. Let’s say your 4-year-old hits when their block tower gets knocked over. Instead of just saying, “No hitting!” (which… let’s be honest, we all do sometimes), here’s a more effective response:

“It’s okay to feel mad. When something breaks, you can say, ‘I’m mad!’ or you can ask for help to rebuild.”

Now you’re offering a replacement behavior: verbal expression or requesting help. Over time, with practice and reinforcement (high-fives, stickers, or just your joyful face), that becomes the new go-to.

My kid, just today, spit out a whole mini sweet pepper on the floor of the car, because—wait for it—it was orange, not red. I resisted the urge to explain to him that all pepper colors deserve equal rights, and said:

“I'm sorry you expected it to be red and it turned out orange. Next time, INSTEAD of spitting it, you can swallow it and then ask me for an orange one, OR, ask me to give you a tissue to spit it out in.”

And then, I made him clean up his mess.

Here are more “Don’t just say no” swaps:

Unwanted Behavior	Replace With…
Screaming for attention	“Tap me gently if you need me”
Refusing to come inside	“Let’s race to the bathroom”
Whining for snacks	“You can ask clearly: ‘Can I please have one?’”
Climbing Furniture	"Let's build an obstacle course later to climb on"
Refusing to get dressed	"Would you like to pick your shirt or your pants first?
Hitting	"Hands are for helping. When you are mad, tell a grown up."
Talking Back	"Try saying that again using kind words and tone"

Be the GPS, Not the Siren

You’re not just there to say, “WRONG TURN!” Be the guide that reroutes your child gently toward a better direction. When they take a detour into Meltdown Town or Sassville, help them find a new route—not by yelling "no...don't", but by showing them another way to get their needs met.

If you need help finding ways to manage your child's behavior, click here for a Free Discovery call to see if Family Coaching is for you!

Happy Parenting :)