Why My Teen's Sneakiness Doesn't Worry Me, and When Does it Become a Red Flag

Let’s talk about kids and sneaking. Most parents will, at some point, catch their child doing something behind their back—sneaking extra dessert, using a device when and how they’re not supposed to, staying up past bedtime with a flashlight and a book. These small, secretive behaviors are not cause for panic.

Developmentally, a little sneaking is normal. It shows up as kids test boundaries, seek independence, and learn about limits. Does it disappoint me when I see it? Sure. But it doesn’t make me worry that something is fundamentally wrong with my child or with my parenting.

What does concern me, however, is when a child invites another child into sneakiness—encouraging them to lie or hide something from adults. That’s different. That’s a red flag.

Why? Because it often points to a learned behavior. A child who teaches another child to sneak has likely been taught—whether directly or indirectly—that secrecy is normal. And more often than not, they learned that from an adult.

It happens in small, seemingly harmless ways: a grandparent gives a child candy and says, “Don’t tell your mom,” or a parent says, “Let’s not mention this to Dad—he wouldn’t like it.” These moments might feel lighthearted or even bonding, but they send a message: keeping secrets is part of love and loyalty.

At the more serious end of the spectrum, this pattern can be rooted in trauma. Children who are being abused—emotionally, physically, or sexually—are often explicitly told to keep secrets. They may be threatened, guilted, or manipulated into silence. And when a trusted adult models that secrecy, the child internalizes the idea that hiding the truth is not only acceptable, but expected.

These children are at a higher risk of not just being sneaky themselves, but normalizing sneakiness. They recruit others into it, not out of malice, but because secrecy feels safe, familiar—even comforting.

As parents and caregivers, our job isn’t to shame kids for sneaky behavior, but to stay curious about it. Is this normal developmental boundary-testing? Or is it a signal that something deeper is going on?

If your child is sneaking with others, or teaching other kids to sneak, it’s worth pausing and paying attention. Not with punishment, but with compassion. Ask questions. Get curious. Create safety. Because behind a pattern of secrecy, there’s often a story waiting to be told.